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Jokes Thread

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #29 on: February 17, 2018, 12:55:33 AM »
 

kissbaby3

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Q : why were the jelly fish unhappy ?.
A : there were not any peanut butter fish around .

--------

Q : what do you call a clock on a belt ?.
A : a waste of time.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2018, 12:09:30 PM »
 

rokytnji

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.



WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy.

 “After an extensive psychological evaluation, we’ve determined that Tommy JoJo, Professor O’Shannassy, Officer Pittz, and each of the president’s 16 other identities are in good condition,” said Jackson, adding that each distinct psychic identity, from Little Holly Anne Tibblseby to DJ Pump ’Em Up, demonstrated robust mental acuity, emotional stability, and memory function. “Despite the advanced age of Ol’ Jack the 70-year-old New York cabby and Civil War colonel Virgil Conway, none of President Trump’s personalities exhibited signs of neurological deterioration.

Even 3-year-old Jacky demonstrated the clarity and intellectual fitness required to handle the presidency.” At press time, however, Jackson reported the emergence of a volatile Fred Trump personality, which was in a constant state of agitation and which left the president exhausted long after it returned control of his mind.





Reuters: Breaking News! Melina Trump learns of Trumps new porn star mistress. She enacts her own govt. Shutdown.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2018, 12:45:01 PM by rokytnji »
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2018, 06:38:45 AM »
 

bitsnpcs

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2017, 08:29:50 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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We all get sad when jokes end .... and as that we only have 15 jokes in this thread till now ... here's a 200 to keep the heart sporting

http://www.short-funny.com/

http://www.short-funny.com/best-knock-jokes.php
« Last Edit: November 07, 2017, 08:36:11 AM by MohamedKhaled »
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2017, 08:21:16 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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And he's from the UK so that leaves no one  ;D
;D ;D
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2017, 06:51:45 PM »
 

newtusmaximus

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:)
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2017, 04:29:06 PM »
 

justme2

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will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 

And he's from the UK so that leaves no  one  ;D
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2017, 03:07:17 PM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...

will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2017, 05:18:15 PM »
 

newtusmaximus

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Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2017, 04:48:18 PM »
 

rokytnji

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Been awhile. Here is one I like.

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2017, 11:00:13 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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Another one

https://imgur.com/gallery/tkweQ


OMG IMGUR IS AMAZING ... NOW THAT'S A ONE I WASNT ABLE TO PERSIESTE (PS comments are more hilarious than the post itself :LOL:)
https://imgur.com/gallery/Qqsml
« Last Edit: November 05, 2017, 11:09:30 AM by MohamedKhaled »
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2017, 10:59:06 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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it's on imgur .... wasn't able to BBCode it as it wasn't uploaded by me ... funny though
https://imgur.com/gallery/DXx8UCH
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2017, 06:28:50 AM »
 

ptyerman

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A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY GOT ON MY NERVES.

ALSO HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE FEET I HAVE TO KISS TOMORROW.

HELP ME ALWAYS TO GIVE 100% AT WORK...............................

12% ON MONDAY
 23% ON TUESDAY
 40 % WEDNESDAY
 20%THURSDAY
 AND 5% ON FRIDAY

AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER..................

WHEN I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WIND ME UP, IT TAKES 42 MUSCLES TO FROWN, 28 TO SMILE AND ONLY 4 TO EXTEND MY ARM AND SMACK SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2017, 04:43:34 AM »
 

ptyerman

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Good one isn't it? It's an old one that from the Windows 98/NT days, still relevant today though.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2017, 04:18:37 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
 ;D

omg, you made me hilarious ... whos the genius with this idea...

PS: i wish if others would know this ..then our market share would be almost 89%
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