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If Windows was a stand-up comedian

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If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« on: June 23, 2018, 10:39:16 PM »
 

kpanic

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You want to shutdown me? Who do you think will miss something, you or me?

You want to boot me up? I knew it'd be you who miss something!

Now while we are at it, let me help you by downloading 30Gb of unnecessary sh*t
to your hard drive, while you can't do anything about it, except feel me... becoming
slow and smooth... - for you.

Can you do some work now? Oh, I forgot, I must install these too.. Can you wait an hour?
Installed, must reboot now, sorry for your work, but without ME, there wouldn't be any.
So, now that you rebooted, I have time to "configure" these new packages without you
interrupting me. So sorry that your thesis got destroyed last time, won't happen again.
After all, you can always write those 32 pages again.

Booting up again? I knew you'd need me motherf*cker! Why don't you sit tight 2 hours
while I prepare these new updates!

Back again, huh? I have news for you. There is an upgrade package waiting for downloading
and installation. And I'm truly sorry some of your applications won't work any more after that but
those are important updates and your sad apps will go by default.

So, are you ready to upgrade now or shall I auto-upgrade when you reboot?

Do you want personal advertisements or ads which are random? Yes or no?
Do you want me to send all of your personal information, metadata of all of your
files, all of your network activity, all of your contacts etc. directly to some authorities
or do you want me to send only partial information, yes or no?
(Stupid user, I'll send everything anyway).

By the way, accept this Legal Agreement!
Do you agree these 200 pages of Legal Text or not? You should say Yes if
you want to use this piece of crap machine ever again!

Cool, there is a new upgrade waiting to be downloaded, configured and
installed,... man I love to live in his hard drive! I don't pay rent, he pays
my rent if he cares about his system at all.

And I am the one who prevents malicious software to be installed on
his hard drive - where do these people come from?
Last Edit: June 26, 2018, 03:00:33 PM by kpanic
 


Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2018, 04:02:34 PM »
 

kissbaby3

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ohhhh, this had me giggling , so true , thank you for the funny post 🙃👍
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2018, 12:28:05 PM »
 

Sprintrdriver

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Fun reading.

What comes next:
A goat jumps over a fence where the grass is more green - that equals a windows 8 user upgrades to windows 10. Then what will be next up for the goat if we compare to switch to Linux instead? I mean - what is better than grass that is more green?

Why this goat/fence/grass thing? There was a user in some local forum that regret he updated from win8 to win10 and compared this to grass on the other side of a fence.
I won't let an old, but fully functional computer die just because some company tell me that they won't make no more security updates to their OS. Thanks Linux :)
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2018, 02:27:43 PM »
 

tomg54

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Well put!  Typing this on a peppermint 9 install.  Distro hopper here.  Lite is my mainstay since 2.0.  Pep 9 is fine but as I type I am downloading lite 4.  Pep gives me small problems, works fine.  But, Lite just always works on my old POS laptop.
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2018, 03:15:03 PM »
 

kpanic

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Thanks guys and sorry for my Englyihsh. I'll be happy to give you instructions how to
replace this sad Linux with a brand-new Windows 10, shining like a golden lighthouse, bringing
hope and security for those Linux users who have fallen back to the dark ages!

Kidding, have fun with Linux and never look back! :)

Last Edit: June 26, 2018, 03:25:45 PM by kpanic
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2018, 06:58:23 AM »
 

ian_r_h

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Oh, yes, now I remember why I dumped Windows for Linux!  :D
Don't worry about artificial intelligence.  Worry about natural stupidity.  :)
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2018, 02:12:57 PM »
 

Nyto

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.
.
.
It's not funny if it's the hard, raw truth for them Winfanboys.
It's like telling jokes at a funeral.
.
.

You want to shutdown me? Who do you think will miss something, you or me?

You want to boot me up? I knew it'd be you who miss something!

Now while we are at it, let me help you by downloading 30Gb of unnecessary sh*t
to your hard drive, while you can't do anything about it, except feel me... becoming
slow and smooth... - for you.

Can you do some work now? Oh, I forgot, I must install these too.. Can you wait an hour?
Installed, must reboot now, sorry for your work, but without ME, there wouldn't be any.
So, now that you rebooted, I have time to "configure" these new packages without you
interrupting me. So sorry that your thesis got destroyed last time, won't happen again.
After all, you can always write those 32 pages again.

Booting up again? I knew you'd need me motherf*cker! Why don't you sit tight 2 hours
while I prepare these new updates!

Back again, huh? I have news for you. There is an upgrade package waiting for downloading
and installation. And I'm truly sorry some of your applications won't work any more after that but
those are important updates and your sad apps will go by default.

So, are you ready to upgrade now or shall I auto-upgrade when you reboot?

Do you want personal advertisements or ads which are random? Yes or no?
Do you want me to send all of your personal information, metadata of all of your
files, all of your network activity, all of your contacts etc. directly to some authorities
or do you want me to send only partial information, yes or no?
(Stupid user, I'll send everything anyway).

By the way, accept this Legal Agreement!
Do you agree these 200 pages of Legal Text or not? You should say Yes if
you want to use this piece of crap machine ever again!

Cool, there is a new upgrade waiting to be downloaded, configured and
installed,... man I love to live in his hard drive! I don't pay rent, he pays
my rent if he cares about his system at all.

And I am the one who prevents malicious software to be installed on
his hard drive - where do these people come from?

Pathological tweaker, I used to distro-hop (A LOT)   ...until I tried LinuxLite.
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2018, 02:16:31 PM »
 

Nyto

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...  But, Lite just always works on my old POS laptop.

We can adapt the words of the late Steve Jobs:  -Linux Lite, it just works.
Pathological tweaker, I used to distro-hop (A LOT)   ...until I tried LinuxLite.
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2018, 09:00:09 AM »
 

TheDead

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Yeah... guess I'll will be funny a bit later in the future for me. :-/

Windows Update broke a Surface Pro 3 Tablet for one client this week, could not "Auto Repair", restore or whatever.
Tablet was Bitlocker enabled by the orignal "tech" which was sacked a year ago so... no keys. ALL data lost.
Not MS'es fault they had no keys, but was MS'es fault stupid Windows update crashed the "secured" tablet.

Grumble Grumble!
- TheDead (TheUxNo0b)

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Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2018, 11:24:37 AM »
 

trinidad

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@TheDead

Sounds like you need to uninstall updates from the command line. Google this:  wusa/uninstall.

TC
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2018, 01:26:07 PM »
 

TheDead

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@trinidad
Tried, *anything* needed the BitLocker key. Had to wipe/fresh install... WITHOUT BitLocker.
Good thing too because the fat 1803 update crashed at 83%. Had to re-restore and it finally updated correctly, after HOURS.
The stand-up comedian couldn't have been more on the money than this. How can MS be so broken... updates crashing on a fresh install. :-S

Only good in this is that I'm paid to do all of it when it's not my own computer.
Guess it's what they call, "Creating jobs". Thanks MS! ;)
- TheDead (TheUxNo0b)

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Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2018, 01:23:00 PM »
 

Nyto

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LOL!
Yours truly also makes a living (sorta) by reconfiguring, reinstalling, vaccinating, resucitating Windoze machines
XD


Just today I finished resucitating a laptop because of the dreaded "1803" update.
I will also charge the owner for the blocking of all the "leaks" of privacy this O.S. has  ...THEY DRIP EVERYWHERE!!! XD
Pathological tweaker, I used to distro-hop (A LOT)   ...until I tried LinuxLite.
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2018, 04:54:51 PM »
 

TheDead

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I think the worse is people saying that even if it's a swiss cheese for security and privacy... they don't care because "They have nothing to hide"... scary thinking.
A fun little read, just the section titles can give goosebumps ;) :https://books.google.ca/books?id=8OVYU1dze2wC&pg=PT14&lpg=PT14&dq=big+brother+happens+when+people+WANT+security&source=bl&ots=EwJSJFce0A&sig=BlfyTPvWzXZCLc5g3GJPelfMAjs&hl=fr&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjfucPNw_XeAhXqzVkKHWI4AFAQ6AEwDHoECAEQAQ#v=onepage&q&f=false
Like Homer said : 'It's funny 'cux it's true'

Cheers!
- TheDead (TheUxNo0b)

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Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2018, 07:32:08 PM »
 

Moltke

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I think the worse is people saying that even if it's a swiss cheese for security and privacy... they don't care because "They have nothing to hide"... scary thinking.
A fun little read, just the section titles can give goosebumps ;) :https://books.google.ca/books?id=8OVYU1dze2wC&pg=PT14&lpg=PT14&dq=big+brother+happens+when+people+WANT+security&source=bl&ots=EwJSJFce0A&sig=BlfyTPvWzXZCLc5g3GJPelfMAjs&hl=fr&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjfucPNw_XeAhXqzVkKHWI4AFAQ6AEwDHoECAEQAQ#v=onepage&q&f=false
Like Homer said : 'It's funny 'cux it's true'

Cheers!

People don't care cause they've been told so. Sometimes I think most people keep on using Windows just to be part of a "selected" group of people that use it. I don't know if I have the right to say this since I used it for over 10 years, ocassionally dual booting with Linux but was so used to it...and now I feel so relieved I stopped being a Windows user, I do miss a couple of things sometimes though, like aero pick, being able to use apps like rufus, treesize and some games that won't work on wine. But since I made the switch about 2 years ago I just can help but think "damn, how the hell did it take me so long to do this?" LOL No more antivirus/virus nightmares, no more "app not responding" error messages (god I hated those!), no more "please wait till your system's updated" messages...yes, so so relieved...and the real fun's just starting :) If Windows was a stand-up comedian its most famous joke would start something like "do you know that feeling when you see someone so happy and suddenly BOOM! Sorry, your life just got screwed, yeah well, that's how I feel when I screw peoples computers" LOL 
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us :)
 

Re: If Windows was a stand-up comedian
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2018, 10:00:10 PM »
 

TheDead

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There are viruses on Macs and Linux, just a lot less and probably not as destructive.

Linux had the Mirai and BashLite virii/malwares that were used for network attacks. Another "popular" one was a passwords stealer.

For Mac's, I had viruses on them when I was in school, they were not even connected to the interweeb.
... Hey, I see you rolling your eyes, I'm not THAT old. Grumble, grumble... now where did I put my teeth.

@kpanic The more I think about it, adding something in your Comedian joke about a virus would only be fitting. LoL

Cheers!
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Tags: windows comedian 
 


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