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General => Off Topic => Topic started by: crazysquirrel on March 06, 2017, 05:31:33 PM

Title: Jokes Thread
Post by: crazysquirrel on March 06, 2017, 05:31:33 PM
Why did the cookie go see the psychiatrist? Because it was feeling crummy?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on March 06, 2017, 07:20:29 PM
YYUR
YYUB
ICUR
YY4ME

Usually wrote like this -
yyuryyubicuryy4me

Do you like it ?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: rokytnji on March 06, 2017, 09:10:06 PM
My buddy. Who always thinks he is smarter than me.
Told me onions are the only grocery that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on March 06, 2017, 10:52:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: Jerry on March 06, 2017, 11:49:52 PM
I like this idea, stickied and moved to Off Topic. Just keep it clean and child friendly folks :)You know, common sense stuff.

Have fun!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: rokytnji on March 07, 2017, 02:33:50 PM
The Lost Star Trek Chronicles Transripts

Author is unknown:   :-[

In the cold dark reaches of the Rotten Egg Nebula (https://www.cnet.com/news/rotten-egg-nebula-hubble-space-telescope-nasa/)

Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
 finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
 access their command pathways?"
 
 [Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
 through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
 
 [Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
 
 [Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
 
 [Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
 program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
 pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
 system resources at an unstoppable rate."
 
 [Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
 their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
 
 [Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
 version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
 exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
 quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
 taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
 functions."
 
 [Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
 geometric shape' idea."
 
 . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
 
 [Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
 command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
 resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
 expected 'upgrade'."
 
 [Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
 CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
 
 [Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
 something we have missed."
 
 [Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
 upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
 by not sending in their registration cards.
 
 [Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
 emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
 
 [Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
 suddenly dropped to 0% !"
 
 [Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"
 
 [Data] "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
 named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
 
 [Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
 functionality."
 
 . . Two Hours Pass . . .
 
 [Riker] "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
 
 [Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
 compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
 successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
 monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
 the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
 
 [Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"
 
 [Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
 time span of 6 more hours."
 
 [Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
 
 [Picard] "Identify."
 
 [Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
 logo"
 
 [Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
 FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
 SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
 TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
 
 [Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
 thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
 
 [Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
 
 [Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
 the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
 tortures of deep space ?!"
 
 [Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
 closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
 recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
 and wearing Armani suits"
 
 [Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"
 
 [Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
 hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
 
 [Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."
 
 [Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
 all types of papers."
 
 [Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it
 often proves fatal."
 
 [Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
 
 [Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
 Borg deserve that." __________________
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on March 07, 2017, 11:53:02 PM
How did the Penguin do on her test ?
She winged it.

What makes Penguins good on the internet ?
Web feet.

What do Penguins wear to the beach ?
A Beak ini.

What do you call a Happy Penguin ?
A Peng-Grin

What do you call a Penguin with 1 eye ?
Penguin.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: Ottawagrant on March 09, 2017, 04:58:36 PM
What do you call a reigning Monarch?
-A Queen who's all wet

Rudolph & his wife Ivana are in Moscow arguing. He says it's raining, she says it's snowing. Who won the argument?
-The husband. Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on March 09, 2017, 05:02:15 PM
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
:)

What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweet ment
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: rokytnji on March 14, 2017, 11:51:37 AM
 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,
U.C.L.A.

Those who get too big for their pants.
 Will be exposed in the end.

Why did the cops arrest the 5 year old boy in the day care center?
He was resisting a rest.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: JohnD on June 01, 2017, 07:20:46 PM
Total Control

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9nDB4kQVyw
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on August 28, 2017, 11:39:05 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4m9y0su54o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jpUnPkCxzg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on October 02, 2017, 03:47:10 PM
To save server space and maintain speed, a few punch lines.
A) You can't have your kayak and heat it.
B) A Vole and his bunny are soon parted.#
C) Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise  over a mild green hairy lipped squid.

It's the way I tell them!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: ptyerman on November 05, 2017, 03:50:56 AM
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 05, 2017, 04:18:37 AM
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
 ;D

omg, you made me hilarious ... whos the genius with this idea...

PS: i wish if others would know this ..then our market share would be almost 89%
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: ptyerman on November 05, 2017, 04:43:34 AM
Good one isn't it? It's an old one that from the Windows 98/NT days, still relevant today though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: ptyerman on November 05, 2017, 06:28:50 AM
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY GOT ON MY NERVES.

ALSO HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE FEET I HAVE TO KISS TOMORROW.

HELP ME ALWAYS TO GIVE 100% AT WORK...............................

12% ON MONDAY
 23% ON TUESDAY
 40 % WEDNESDAY
 20%THURSDAY
 AND 5% ON FRIDAY

AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER..................

WHEN I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WIND ME UP, IT TAKES 42 MUSCLES TO FROWN, 28 TO SMILE AND ONLY 4 TO EXTEND MY ARM AND SMACK SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 05, 2017, 10:59:06 AM
it's on imgur .... wasn't able to BBCode it as it wasn't uploaded by me ... funny though
https://imgur.com/gallery/DXx8UCH
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 05, 2017, 11:00:13 AM
Another one

https://imgur.com/gallery/tkweQ


OMG IMGUR IS AMAZING ... NOW THAT'S A ONE I WASNT ABLE TO PERSIESTE (PS comments are more hilarious than the post itself :LOL:)
https://imgur.com/gallery/Qqsml
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: rokytnji on November 05, 2017, 04:48:18 PM
Been awhile. Here is one I like.

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on November 05, 2017, 05:18:15 PM
Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 06, 2017, 03:07:17 PM
Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...

will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: justme2 on November 06, 2017, 04:29:06 PM

will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 

And he's from the UK so that leaves no  one  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on November 06, 2017, 06:51:45 PM
:)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 07, 2017, 08:21:16 AM
And he's from the UK so that leaves no one  ;D
;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MohamedKhaled on November 07, 2017, 08:29:50 AM
We all get sad when jokes end .... and as that we only have 15 jokes in this thread till now ... here's a 200 to keep the heart sporting

http://www.short-funny.com/

http://www.short-funny.com/best-knock-jokes.php
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on January 23, 2018, 06:38:45 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SfwwPS7IfM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: rokytnji on January 23, 2018, 12:09:30 PM
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

(http://postmyimage.com/img2/713_new_kid.jpg)

WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy.

 “After an extensive psychological evaluation, we’ve determined that Tommy JoJo, Professor O’Shannassy, Officer Pittz, and each of the president’s 16 other identities are in good condition,” said Jackson, adding that each distinct psychic identity, from Little Holly Anne Tibblseby to DJ Pump ’Em Up, demonstrated robust mental acuity, emotional stability, and memory function. “Despite the advanced age of Ol’ Jack the 70-year-old New York cabby and Civil War colonel Virgil Conway, none of President Trump’s personalities exhibited signs of neurological deterioration.

Even 3-year-old Jacky demonstrated the clarity and intellectual fitness required to handle the presidency.” At press time, however, Jackson reported the emergence of a volatile Fred Trump personality, which was in a constant state of agitation and which left the president exhausted long after it returned control of his mind.

(http://content.invisioncic.com/r96028/monthly_2018_01/capture12.jpg.959c493877a8560fa085e33736030bb8.jpg)

(http://content.invisioncic.com/r96028/monthly_2018_01/5a6649d7ab1ce_MonCARTOONohmy.jpg.32c312cb3febcf9d15cd0b48e2e95e7f.jpg)

Reuters: Breaking News! Melina Trump learns of Trumps new porn star mistress. She enacts her own govt. Shutdown.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: kissbaby3 on February 17, 2018, 12:55:33 AM
Q : why were the jelly fish unhappy ?.
A : there were not any peanut butter fish around .

--------

Q : what do you call a clock on a belt ?.
A : a waste of time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: TheDead on February 17, 2018, 08:39:38 PM
@bitsnpcs
I haz a cat so at first I was impress by the Kido video but then remember that my cat can catch tiny bits of food from the air in a badly lit room. With cat's eye and reflexes, that game must be in slow-motion and boooring. ;)

@ptyerman
LOLed at the joke before reading it because I remember the great OS wars years. I lost since I had an Amiga then but I won because it was so great years before it's time. Also remember the Windows / Rolling Stones parody of the time? I still have the MP3 I listen from time to time.

I'll refrain from going to YouTube from now on, lost a couple hours in there... again... Darn you moving pictures and click baits.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on February 17, 2018, 10:50:23 PM
It could also be that cats have good hearing, it hears the ball inside the cup, it is why it hesitates on an occasion, as it is listening to locate the sound of it still moving ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: ptyerman on February 18, 2018, 05:15:41 AM
@TheDead

I still have my Amiga's and use them regularly, therefore I won the OS wars!  ;) . Even now they are still ahead of other OS's in some ways.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: Artim on February 18, 2018, 06:44:57 AM
The Stupidest Traffic Ticket in the History of Ever!

I'm sitting at a red light, just waiting for the light to change to green.  Just sitting there. Then this stupid, confused bird goes THUMP right on my windscreen!

I'm like, "Get off my truck, you stupid critter!"

I guess the bird was stunned or something, he didn't budge.  So I put the wipers on and kinda flipped it off the truck.

I'm done now, right?

THUMP!


I look over, and that bird has ended up on the car next to mine.  And don't you know... it's a police car.

The cop lights 'em up, pulls me over and says, "Boy I'm gonna have to write you up."

"What in heck for?" I asked, feeling a little stunned myself now.

What did I get a ticket for?


Wait for it...



"Flipping me the bird!" says the officer, barely hiding a big smile.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: TheDead on February 19, 2018, 11:05:42 AM
Reminds me of a true story when I was in college.

I was with my friends at a red light when a bunch of other guys arrive at the light look at my friend that  was driving and reved there engine, they wanted to race.
My friend was ready and reved his motor in challenge. Everybody was ready... When the light turned green the other guys put the pedal down, full throttle, did a few zig zags and smoke and were off  like there was no tommorow.

My friend accelerated like a sunday grandma... He has seen that there was a police car just behind the other guys that was also waiting for the green light. ;)
Took just a few seconsd for the police to turn the siren and flashing red and blue lights on and give what was probably a big fat ticket to the would be racers.
We drove past them slowly, the look on their faces was priceless.

I think it was one of those instant karma things.

Cheers!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on February 19, 2018, 12:07:53 PM
 A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays",
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on February 19, 2018, 12:31:42 PM
Daily Telegraph UK   TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: newtusmaximus on February 19, 2018, 01:20:12 PM
Humour for masochists

Came across this website also.
http://www.extremelysmart.com/humor/puntest.php
The beauty of this one is that is the punch lines only.  You have to use your brain to think what the full joke might have been. :) ??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: TheDead on February 19, 2018, 07:58:21 PM
(moved my own useless message since I replied to wrong poster. It''s all your fault iPhone!! >:( )
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: ian_r_h on February 20, 2018, 03:27:02 AM
Classic Bob Monkhouse joke:

"When I said I wanted to be a comedian, everyone laughed.  Well, they're not laughing now."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: TheDead on February 20, 2018, 04:37:43 PM
(corrected post)

It could also be that cats have good hearing, it hears the ball inside the cup, it is why it hesitates on an occasion, as it is listening to locate the sound of it still moving ;)

Sorry, didn't see your response on my punny phone screen... Yeah, you're right, forgot about cats earing, uploader should do the test with a sponge ball like the "classic" method. Duh duh duuuh!.  One thing though, yeah cats are hunting/killing machines, but no offence, sometimes they're so dumb, it's hilarious. ;) ... I luve my kitteh!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on February 20, 2018, 06:25:46 PM
If the cat can hear the creature move a blade of grass , it can hear the sponge too ;)

what colour/s is you cat ?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: TheDead on February 20, 2018, 06:39:33 PM
If the cat can hear the creature move a blade of grass , it can hear the sponge too ;)

what colour/s is you cat ?

All back with a white tail tip. It's a medium-small cat, with sharp, pointy, teeth. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on February 20, 2018, 06:40:22 PM
Thanks :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: NN on May 20, 2018, 11:51:27 PM
https://youtu.be/HwVh8pmOot4

Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: Mart on May 29, 2018, 05:08:18 PM
Time to lighten up...


(https://i.imgur.com/8KyFX8d.png)





(https://i.imgur.com/sFJKid9.png)





(https://i.imgur.com/yUT7Fws.png)





(https://i.imgur.com/8LcFUjq.png)





(https://i.imgur.com/mYxq0az.png)




Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: bitsnpcs on June 23, 2018, 05:40:16 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH0NYvniqVw
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on April 09, 2019, 02:45:23 AM
Who does not know JP?

https://youtu.be/z0O_VYcsIk8
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on September 08, 2019, 04:46:15 AM
Lemme tell you a joke, alright? No, seriously, it is a joke. Here we go.

Construction site. The foreman gathers his crew and says:
listen up, people. Today, the owner is going to visit the site. I want none of you to loiter. I want him to see how we are working hard here to get the thing done. Like never. Understood? If he complaints to me that we are doing lazy and points out to any of you as an example, you will remember.

So the said owner comes, looks around, the work is on to any imaginable extent, everything satisfactory. But suddenly, notices this one dude running just back and forth with empty wheelbarrow. Stops him and asks why running back and forth with empty wheelbarrow? The man replies:
Sir, the work is so tight there is no time to even load up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on September 10, 2019, 12:11:41 PM
One of my favourite classics:

https://youtu.be/RPsDDr0n9AE
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on September 25, 2019, 03:14:48 AM
Legendary classic. Millions, if not dozens of millions of views, total, throughout the time. Gross mismanagement behind this video disallows to prove the claim first hand, since initially, at the time of greatest popularity, it was uploaded to Google+, as well as - for some insecure reasons - reuploaded and then reuploaded again, when on Youtube. Anyway, here it is, the Fear of Girls:

https://youtu.be/7Mp7Ikko8SI
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on September 27, 2019, 02:54:20 AM
This time topic is guns:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWA0rukqrYQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_cUvjZCLL0

https://youtu.be/2REG3-Wb5gM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on September 28, 2019, 05:46:43 AM
The company referenced perhaps in the linked video, is not a solitary representative of a discussed problem. The problem, whatsoever, is not as much greed, as it is the disrespectful demeanor towards the consumer base. But a single company, in particular of such scope as the one possibly indicated, is very unlikely to be an exception in the grander picture. It could be an exemplary of insolent edge to the case, but certain common denominators certainly do exist among the fruit of the same branch, even among the fruit of the same tree. What do we talk about, is the industry, in particular the entertainment industry of digital gaming. The problem, is disrespect. What does the critically orientated consumer base go primarily against, in my opinion, is not even the sickly but unfortunately common practice of commercial truth mishandling or otherwise poorly actions and behaviors - it is the problem of when it is done in particularly cynical, dishonest, derogatory way, victimizing the consumer. Which is why, some companies, primarily those of pure contemporary industry shape, become particular subjects for criticism. Nonetheless, such as with the metaphor of an iceberg, what we see in plain sight, is only a small fraction of the patterns more expanseful and rooted deeply into the environmental tissue.

https://youtu.be/su_qPRTCZ_U
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on October 05, 2019, 02:38:05 PM
Random encounter:

https://youtu.be/k3sZnW67nSk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on November 05, 2019, 08:33:53 AM
Imagine a certain scene. Wasteland. You have been travelling through the desert for a couple of days now, running short on food and drinkable water. Suddenly, on the horizon, amidst the literal nowhere, you spot a tiny blue dot, a figure perhaps. Coming closer, you recognize it is a portable toilet unit, a plastic mansized trapezoid, all clean and neat, shining brightly in the sun of the noon. "Happy Birthday!".

Kind of like with the first scene from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, speaking of which:

https://youtu.be/yybBJ6EQCNY

EDIT:

Hey, if you find it offensive, all humour is offensive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: MS on November 22, 2019, 12:49:25 AM
This is a sticky thing:

https://youtu.be/qRuNxHqwazs
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: Moltke on December 27, 2019, 11:41:54 AM
LOL

https://turnoff.us/geek/linux-master-hero/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread
Post by: warrant311 on July 29, 2020, 05:31:23 PM
A few covid Jokes

3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

2. They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

 1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

source:Top 10 Covid Jokes (https://www.keeplaughingforever.com/post/top-10-corona-virus-jokes)