You are Here:
Linux Lite 4.6 RC1 has been released. See the Release Announcements section for more information.



Jokes Thread

Author (Read 13285 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2017, 04:43:34 AM »
 

ptyerman

  • Occasional Poster
  • **
  • 62
    Posts
  • Country: gb
  • Reputation: 28
  • Linux Lite Member

  • Linux Lite: 3.8 64bit

  • CPU: Core i7 920

  • MEMORY: 16Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Radeon RX580
Good one isn't it? It's an old one that from the Windows 98/NT days, still relevant today though.
 


Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2017, 06:28:50 AM »
 

ptyerman

  • Occasional Poster
  • **
  • 62
    Posts
  • Country: gb
  • Reputation: 28
  • Linux Lite Member

  • Linux Lite: 3.8 64bit

  • CPU: Core i7 920

  • MEMORY: 16Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Radeon RX580
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY GOT ON MY NERVES.

ALSO HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE FEET I HAVE TO KISS TOMORROW.

HELP ME ALWAYS TO GIVE 100% AT WORK...............................

12% ON MONDAY
 23% ON TUESDAY
 40 % WEDNESDAY
 20%THURSDAY
 AND 5% ON FRIDAY

AND HELP ME TO REMEMBER..................

WHEN I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WIND ME UP, IT TAKES 42 MUSCLES TO FROWN, 28 TO SMILE AND ONLY 4 TO EXTEND MY ARM AND SMACK SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2017, 10:59:06 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

  • Forum Regular
  • ***
  • 121
    Posts
  • Country: eg
  • Reputation: 9
  • Using Dell Inspiron 6400

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo t7400 2.16GHZ-2.17GHZ

  • MEMORY: 2Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Mesa DRI Intel 945GM
it's on imgur .... wasn't able to BBCode it as it wasn't uploaded by me ... funny though
https://imgur.com/gallery/DXx8UCH
Just Installed Linux lite??? check this tutorial
Have I Helped? Click [Thanks] button to the right.
Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2017, 11:00:13 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

  • Forum Regular
  • ***
  • 121
    Posts
  • Country: eg
  • Reputation: 9
  • Using Dell Inspiron 6400

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo t7400 2.16GHZ-2.17GHZ

  • MEMORY: 2Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Mesa DRI Intel 945GM
Another one

https://imgur.com/gallery/tkweQ


OMG IMGUR IS AMAZING ... NOW THAT'S A ONE I WASNT ABLE TO PERSIESTE (PS comments are more hilarious than the post itself :LOL:)
https://imgur.com/gallery/Qqsml
Last Edit: November 05, 2017, 11:09:30 AM by MohamedKhaled
Just Installed Linux lite??? check this tutorial
Have I Helped? Click [Thanks] button to the right.
Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2017, 04:48:18 PM »
 

rokytnji

  • Friganeer
  • Platinum Level Poster
  • **********
  • 1257
    Posts
  • Country: us
  • Reputation: 134

  • Linux Lite: 3.6 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core2 Duo U9600

  • MEMORY: 4Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Intel Mobile 4
Been awhile. Here is one I like.

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
LL 3.6,2.8
Dell XT2 > Touchscreen Laptop
Dell 755 > Desktop
Acer 150 > Desktop
I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2017, 05:18:15 PM »
 

newtusmaximus

  • Gold Level Poster
  • *******
  • 640
    Posts
  • Country: gb
  • Reputation: 66
  • Paypal Supporter.

  • Linux Lite: 3.6 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core duo 6300 1.86GHz

  • MEMORY: 4Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Intel 82Q963/Q965
Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...
2006 - HP DC7700p ultraslim Desktop Intel 6300 cpu  4GB Ram LL3.6 64bit.
2007 - Fujitsu Siemens V3405 Laptop  2 GB Ram LL3.6 32bit. Now 32bit Debian 9 + nonfree.
2006 - Fujitsu Siemens Si1520 Laptop Intel T720 cpu 3GB Ram LL4.4 64bit
2003 - RETIRED Toshiba Satellite Pro A10 1 GB RAM LL2.8 32bit
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2017, 03:07:17 PM »
 

MohamedKhaled

  • Forum Regular
  • ***
  • 121
    Posts
  • Country: eg
  • Reputation: 9
  • Using Dell Inspiron 6400

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo t7400 2.16GHZ-2.17GHZ

  • MEMORY: 2Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Mesa DRI Intel 945GM
Of the USA

    The population of this country is 237 million people.
    104 million people are retired.
    That leaves 133 million people to do the work.
    There are 85 million people in school, which leaves 48 million people to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million people employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 19 million people to do the work.2.8 million people are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million people to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million people to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes...

will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 
Just Installed Linux lite??? check this tutorial
Have I Helped? Click [Thanks] button to the right.
Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2017, 04:29:06 PM »
 

justme2

  • PayPal Supporter
  • Forum Regular
  • *****
  • 203
    Posts
  • Country: gb
  • Reputation: 25
  • Linux Lite Member

  • Linux Lite: 3.8 64bit

  • CPU: Intel i5 vPro

  • MEMORY: 8Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Intel

will ... this doesn't sound real ..... anyway I am not from the USA so this leaves only you ...
 

And he's from the UK so that leaves no  one  ;D
1) Lenovo T520 i5 LL3.8 8GB ram, fast & stable
2) Medion P4 32bit LL3.8 1GB ram, quite fast & stable
3) eeePC 901 32bit LL3.8 1GB ram, fast & stable
4) eeePC 701 32bit LL3.8 1GB ram, slower & stable but small and light enough to travel with me to New Zealand when visiting family in Blenheim.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2017, 06:51:45 PM »
 

newtusmaximus

  • Gold Level Poster
  • *******
  • 640
    Posts
  • Country: gb
  • Reputation: 66
  • Paypal Supporter.

  • Linux Lite: 3.6 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core duo 6300 1.86GHz

  • MEMORY: 4Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Intel 82Q963/Q965
:)
2006 - HP DC7700p ultraslim Desktop Intel 6300 cpu  4GB Ram LL3.6 64bit.
2007 - Fujitsu Siemens V3405 Laptop  2 GB Ram LL3.6 32bit. Now 32bit Debian 9 + nonfree.
2006 - Fujitsu Siemens Si1520 Laptop Intel T720 cpu 3GB Ram LL4.4 64bit
2003 - RETIRED Toshiba Satellite Pro A10 1 GB RAM LL2.8 32bit
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2017, 08:21:16 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

  • Forum Regular
  • ***
  • 121
    Posts
  • Country: eg
  • Reputation: 9
  • Using Dell Inspiron 6400

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo t7400 2.16GHZ-2.17GHZ

  • MEMORY: 2Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Mesa DRI Intel 945GM
And he's from the UK so that leaves no one  ;D
;D ;D
Just Installed Linux lite??? check this tutorial
Have I Helped? Click [Thanks] button to the right.
Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2017, 08:29:50 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

  • Forum Regular
  • ***
  • 121
    Posts
  • Country: eg
  • Reputation: 9
  • Using Dell Inspiron 6400

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo t7400 2.16GHZ-2.17GHZ

  • MEMORY: 2Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Mesa DRI Intel 945GM
We all get sad when jokes end .... and as that we only have 15 jokes in this thread till now ... here's a 200 to keep the heart sporting

http://www.short-funny.com/

http://www.short-funny.com/best-knock-jokes.php
Last Edit: November 07, 2017, 08:36:11 AM by MohamedKhaled
Just Installed Linux lite??? check this tutorial
Have I Helped? Click [Thanks] button to the right.
Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2018, 06:38:45 AM »
 

bitsnpcs

  • Platinum Level Poster
  • **********
  • 3185
    Posts
  • Country: 00
  • Reputation: 300

  • Linux Lite: 3.2 64bit
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2018, 12:09:30 PM »
 

rokytnji

  • Friganeer
  • Platinum Level Poster
  • **********
  • 1257
    Posts
  • Country: us
  • Reputation: 134

  • Linux Lite: 3.6 64bit

  • CPU: Intel Core2 Duo U9600

  • MEMORY: 4Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Intel Mobile 4
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.



WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy.

 “After an extensive psychological evaluation, we’ve determined that Tommy JoJo, Professor O’Shannassy, Officer Pittz, and each of the president’s 16 other identities are in good condition,” said Jackson, adding that each distinct psychic identity, from Little Holly Anne Tibblseby to DJ Pump ’Em Up, demonstrated robust mental acuity, emotional stability, and memory function. “Despite the advanced age of Ol’ Jack the 70-year-old New York cabby and Civil War colonel Virgil Conway, none of President Trump’s personalities exhibited signs of neurological deterioration.

Even 3-year-old Jacky demonstrated the clarity and intellectual fitness required to handle the presidency.” At press time, however, Jackson reported the emergence of a volatile Fred Trump personality, which was in a constant state of agitation and which left the president exhausted long after it returned control of his mind.





Reuters: Breaking News! Melina Trump learns of Trumps new porn star mistress. She enacts her own govt. Shutdown.
Last Edit: January 23, 2018, 12:45:01 PM by rokytnji
LL 3.6,2.8
Dell XT2 > Touchscreen Laptop
Dell 755 > Desktop
Acer 150 > Desktop
I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #28 on: February 17, 2018, 12:55:33 AM »
 

kissbaby3

  • Occasional Poster
  • **
  • 96
    Posts
  • Country: us
  • Reputation: 8
  • Linux Lite Member

  • Linux Lite: 4.2 64bit

  • CPU: 1.4 GHz

  • MEMORY: 8Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: on board
Q : why were the jelly fish unhappy ?.
A : there were not any peanut butter fish around .

--------

Q : what do you call a clock on a belt ?.
A : a waste of time.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #29 on: February 17, 2018, 08:39:38 PM »
 

TheDead

  • Gold Level Poster
  • *******
  • 568
    Posts
  • Country: ca
  • Reputation: 52
  • Linux Lite Worshipper
    • My OpenDesktop Projects

  • Linux Lite: 3.8 32bit

  • CPU: HAL9000

  • MEMORY: 1Gb

  • VIDEO CARD: Oculus Rift v.5
@bitsnpcs
I haz a cat so at first I was impress by the Kido video but then remember that my cat can catch tiny bits of food from the air in a badly lit room. With cat's eye and reflexes, that game must be in slow-motion and boooring. ;)

@ptyerman
LOLed at the joke before reading it because I remember the great OS wars years. I lost since I had an Amiga then but I won because it was so great years before it's time. Also remember the Windows / Rolling Stones parody of the time? I still have the MP3 I listen from time to time.

I'll refrain from going to YouTube from now on, lost a couple hours in there... again... Darn you moving pictures and click baits.
- TheDead (TheUxNo0b)

If my blabbering was helpful, please click my [Thank] link.
 


Tags:
 


Linux Lite 4.6 RC1 has been released. See the Release Announcements section for more information.