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Jokes Thread
« on: March 06, 2017, 05:31:33 PM »
 

crazysquirrel

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Why did the cookie go see the psychiatrist? Because it was feeling crummy?
Last Edit: March 06, 2017, 11:48:50 PM by Jerry
Wife made me afraid of squirrels. She said I was a NUT? Go figure...
 


Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2017, 07:20:29 PM »
 

bitsnpcs

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YYUR
YYUB
ICUR
YY4ME

Usually wrote like this -
yyuryyubicuryy4me

Do you like it ?
Last Edit: March 06, 2017, 07:28:26 PM by bitsnpcs
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2017, 09:10:06 PM »
 

rokytnji

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My buddy. Who always thinks he is smarter than me.
Told me onions are the only grocery that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2017, 10:52:38 PM »
 

bitsnpcs

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 ;D
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2017, 11:49:52 PM »
 

Jerry

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I like this idea, stickied and moved to Off Topic. Just keep it clean and child friendly folks :)You know, common sense stuff.

Have fun!
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2017, 02:33:50 PM »
 

rokytnji

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The Lost Star Trek Chronicles Transripts

Author is unknown:   :-[

In the cold dark reaches of the Rotten Egg Nebula

Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
 finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
 access their command pathways?"
 
 [Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
 through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
 
 [Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
 
 [Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
 
 [Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
 program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
 pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
 system resources at an unstoppable rate."
 
 [Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
 their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
 
 [Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
 version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
 exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
 quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
 taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
 functions."
 
 [Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
 geometric shape' idea."
 
 . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
 
 [Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
 command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
 resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
 expected 'upgrade'."
 
 [Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
 CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
 
 [Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
 something we have missed."
 
 [Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
 upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
 by not sending in their registration cards.
 
 [Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
 emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
 
 [Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
 suddenly dropped to 0% !"
 
 [Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"
 
 [Data] "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
 named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
 
 [Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
 functionality."
 
 . . Two Hours Pass . . .
 
 [Riker] "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
 
 [Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
 compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
 successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
 monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
 the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
 
 [Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"
 
 [Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
 time span of 6 more hours."
 
 [Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
 
 [Picard] "Identify."
 
 [Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
 logo"
 
 [Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
 FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
 SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
 TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
 
 [Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
 thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
 
 [Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
 
 [Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
 the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
 tortures of deep space ?!"
 
 [Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
 closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
 recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
 and wearing Armani suits"
 
 [Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"
 
 [Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
 hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
 
 [Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."
 
 [Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
 all types of papers."
 
 [Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it
 often proves fatal."
 
 [Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
 
 [Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
 Borg deserve that." __________________
 
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2017, 11:53:02 PM »
 

bitsnpcs

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How did the Penguin do on her test ?
She winged it.

What makes Penguins good on the internet ?
Web feet.

What do Penguins wear to the beach ?
A Beak ini.

What do you call a Happy Penguin ?
A Peng-Grin

What do you call a Penguin with 1 eye ?
Penguin.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2017, 04:58:36 PM »
 

Ottawagrant

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What do you call a reigning Monarch?
-A Queen who's all wet

Rudolph & his wife Ivana are in Moscow arguing. He says it's raining, she says it's snowing. Who won the argument?
-The husband. Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2017, 05:02:15 PM »
 

bitsnpcs

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Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
:)

What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweet ment
Last Edit: March 09, 2017, 05:25:42 PM by bitsnpcs
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2017, 11:51:37 AM »
 

rokytnji

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 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,
U.C.L.A.

Those who get too big for their pants.
 Will be exposed in the end.

Why did the cops arrest the 5 year old boy in the day care center?
He was resisting a rest.
Last Edit: March 14, 2017, 12:05:35 PM by rokytnji
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2017, 07:20:46 PM »
 

JohnD

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Total Control

"Show up on time, know your lines, and don't bump into the furniture."
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2017, 11:39:05 AM »
 

bitsnpcs

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #12 on: October 02, 2017, 03:47:10 PM »
 

newtusmaximus

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To save server space and maintain speed, a few punch lines.
A) You can't have your kayak and heat it.
B) A Vole and his bunny are soon parted.#
C) Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise  over a mild green hairy lipped squid.

It's the way I tell them!!
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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2017, 03:50:56 AM »
 

ptyerman

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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
 ;D
 

Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2017, 04:18:37 AM »
 

MohamedKhaled

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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up and watch the movie.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4 much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... "
 ;D

omg, you made me hilarious ... whos the genius with this idea...

PS: i wish if others would know this ..then our market share would be almost 89%
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Yours,
Mohammed Khaled
 


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